She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
