I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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