I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
