actually, I'm a sock model
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
