either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
