i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
