How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
