Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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