who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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