Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
