I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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