one two three fourrrrnication!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
