i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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