So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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