I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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