Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
