Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
