Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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