please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize