well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
