if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
