I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
