She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
