I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
