so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
