you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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