What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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