dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
