My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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