he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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