you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
