In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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