Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
