I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
