my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
