i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
