I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
