My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
