he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
