yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
