Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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