Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
