It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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