VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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