Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
