I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
