I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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