I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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