i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
