Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
