Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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