thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
my poor anus
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
