Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
